Friends!
As promised, I’m bringing you an email series I’m calling “The Truth is Erotic” — tips, tales and thought-provoking questions in service of a less-lonely world.
Today I want to talk about C.
Six months ago, she came to me fresh out of a breakup— particularly painful because it was familiar.
Nearing 40, she had seen the pattern play out many times — all her efforting, masking, and trying to be 'perfect' finally giving way to an emotional expression that brought the whole thing crashing down.
It stung enough for her to reach for help, hoping to understand how she might finally be good enough to be chosen; how she might not get blindsided in such a way again.
I told her I would not promise a quick fix. But — if she was willing to trust me and let me all the way in— we would go back to the very beginning, and poke at every story gathered along the way, every conditioned belief and shame-y shackle.
We have spent 6 months unwinding the difference between who she was conditioned to be and she truly is, beneath and behind those adaptive strategies.
Because I sensed almost instantly: these relationships were not lasting because they were not actually a match for HER.
Her inauthentic expression (not her fault, by the way, how she learned to perform to keep belonging) was creating connections that required her to be someone-other-than-her-true-self to sustain them.
She had not yet accepted and loved the full picture of her BEING — her genuine needs, preferences, quirks, feelings, longings, wounds, aspirations and struggles— and thus, it had legitimately not occurred to her to expect a partner to do the same.
Layer in a hefty dose of eldest-daughter good girl self-sacrifice, a side of internalized patriarchy and a caregiving environment laden with emotional neglect, and you’ve got a top-notch contortionist.
No problem presenting in such a way that men are magnetized; the relationships vaporizing at the first whiff of emotional intensity or challenge.
Six months later, we have not found her the “man of her dreams.” (Surprise, I’m not peddling “4 easy steps to manipulate other humans and get what you want"...)
What we have recovered together, layer by layer, is a deep appreciation for her unique magnificence. She’s dating in a way she’s never done before— a way that includes HERSELF. Where the constant longing for a relationship used to be, there is space for her own experience, her dreams, her newly-revealed preferences. Who she is attracted to has been completely up-ended, which is sometimes confusing but mostly refreshing.
The relationship advice that makes me angriest prescribes performance tactics: playing games, following rules, parroting scripts, practicing over how you actually feel. Because — even if benign— these are still manipulations.
And manipulations produce inauthentic results that eventually fall apart if you ever want to stop the dang charade. I believe there is a better, truer (even if more laborious) way, and I believe I don’t have to dumb it down for you.
If you want to get a taste of how I work in the relational space, how I go about getting folks un-stuck from the stickiest patterns, I have an invitation for you:
The Lovers' Collective Pop-Up + Open House
Come see what The Lovers Collective is all about,
for FREE.
Sat, March 21 | 9:00 - 10:30 AM PT / 12:00 - 1:30 PM ET
(Recording sent to all who enroll)
|
It's totally free, there will be an opportunity for you to bring your pressing relationship questions for live coaching from me, and I'll send a recording to everyone who can't be there live.
I'd love to see you there.
Until then, more provocative truths coming your way in the days ahead.
Big love,
PS – On March 23rd, doors open to The Lovers Collective, my new signature 3-month offer for devotional, high-achieving humans (couples and individuals) who want the miraculous relief of creating the love, sex and relationships they’ve always dreamed of.
The Lovers Collective is an intimate, game-changing space that includes:
- Weekly group coaching calls described as “better than 5 years of relationship therapy”
- An online video library of bite-sized teachings and tools to meet the exact challenge of any moment
- A community text thread for real-time solidarity and support from epic humans as devotional as you are
- The most affordable way to work with me 1:1 (or 2:1, if you are partnered), should you decide to upgrade
TLC is $1200 or 3 payments of $400 / month (whether you come solo or as a couple).
Have the convo with your partner now. Or make the commitment solo. This work will result in miracles!
